Mickey: Compaq Presario CQ1 AIO - nothing but a test pattern

Compaq Presario CQ1 all in one PC.
The unit is over ten years old and has DDR3 slots - one on the front and one on the back of the tiny motherboard.
All I get is a test pattern on the screen regardless of how I swap out memory, even with spare memory that I have for testing.
The keyboard reacts - numlock and capslock - it beeps when no memory is present, so it's not completely dead and the chances of both slots and three mem sticks being dead are quite remote, methinks.
I've never seen a...

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